I am so excited to introduce myself to all the readers of Go! Smell the Flowers . My name is Melinda Roberts Tyler and I am the author of The Melindaville Blog , which chronicles my experiences as a former actor, punk rock musician (I was in the San Francisco band, “Wild Women of Borneo !”), sex industry worker and heroin addict. You can read more about my biography here .
It is hard to believe that I am the same woman who nearly fifteen years ago spent a hopeless and lonely weekend in January attempting to commit suicide—three serious attempts , when the abyss of my heroin addiction took me to the darkest place any human can GO!
On the final suicide attempt…..
I was saved only through the intervention of a meddling upstairs neighbor, who called 911. I have no recollection of the ambulance coming or being rushed to the hospital, as I was in a coma. However, when I awakened in the intensive care wing of a hospital, I met a man named Tim Callahan (a true angel on earth), who offered a lifeline to the broken woman I was by helping me get into a treatment center called “The Freedom House,” which changed my life completely. You can read a bit more about Tim and the near loss of my life here .
I spent nearly six months in treatment before connecting with my family, whom I had lost contact with for several years. In fact, my mother had just hired a private detective to find out if I were even alive still. After this reunion, I decided to return to my hometown of Bozeman, Montana, nestled right in the middle of the Rocky Mountains, where I enrolled in Montana State University. I graduated with highest honors with dual degrees in psychology and sociology and from there, I was accepted as a fully funded doctoral student to Penn State University where I earned my degree in biopsychology.
Today, my life has come full circle; I am a professor of psychology and am married to my best friend and soulmate, Les Tyler. When I reflect on my life, I am filled with an enormous sense of gratitude, as well as a deep-seated feeling of responsibility; I am so happy to be alive today and I feel compelled to pass along my good fortune. I was lucky enough to survive nearly ten years of heroin and cocaine addiction, as well as to have lived through those suicide attempts.
I recently completed the rough draft of my memoir, whose working title is “Lost and Found: A Journey ,” which is a detailed account of my journey through addiction and recovery. My primary purpose in writing the book is to go public with my story because it is important to let the world know that treatment works if it is available. I am deeply committed to the cause that every addict who desires change should have accress to free and available treatment; it should be as easy to get treatment for drug addiction as it is to by a drug on the street. My ultimate goal, however, is to launch The Melindaville Foundation, which will help addicts, particularly those in the sex industry, get into treatment and from there, attend college or trade school. It will be my great honor to pass along to others, the same gift of recovery that was once given me.
I look forward to sharing more of my journey with all of you at Go! Smell the Flowers and I welcome your comments!
Peace,
Melinda
Hi Melinda,
Great first post as expected. I’m really glad that you are here and telling your story. I can’t wait to hear more from you.
Talking about your serious suicide attempt made me think about how I have suicidal, suicide type, or passive suicidal thoughts my whole life. My therapist told me that even as an infant it is likely that I had a sense of not wanting to be. Internalized my mother’s ambivalence and emotional abandonment. I know that I wasn’t wanted and that they resented my being born and that I was the cause of all the problems as my mother’s pregnancy “made” them get married. I know that it was chaotic and verbally and physically abusive in the home before I was born and after.
I attempted an overdose of Tylenol when I was 15 and that did not go over very well. My mother and step-father were yelling at me in the emergency room about how stupid I was that the nurses ushered them out. We never spoke about it again. Back then, or for whatever reason I wasn’t hospitalized, but saw a therapist the next day and told him all the right things and one session after that I didn’t have to go back. He wasn’t a very good therapist because I was deeply depressed. When I told my current therapist about it I felt quite relieved afterward and understood.
I was depressed and suicidal anyway, but what prompted such action was that the day before the three of us were playing Monopoly and my step-father became angry at me and started screaming at me because I did not want to negotiate one of my properties. He sent me to my room and my mother came up the stairs yelling at me, swung open my door, pulled my pants and underwear down and started to spank me with a yard stick. They both always told me that I was stubborn and didn’t listen to them. I was humiliated and knew that there was know way that she could possibly think that I did something that bad, but when it came to my step-father she chose him over me. I was grounded for two months. At that point, I lost all hope that my mother would ever choose me over my step-father.
Several months afterward, a couple of my friends spoke with my mother because they were concerned that I was suicidal. Her response is that I was okay and that I’ve always been dramatic and attention-seeking. The sad part is still now…she can’t handle it if I am not okay. She remains hostile, ignoring or shallow with me despite my efforts to go deeper…she just can’t do that. Even with my two psychiatric hospitalizations her response was, “You’ve always had a good head on your shoulders. I’ve never had to worry about you.”
(I really hadn’t shared this much detail before except in a post that kind of got buried, but talking about suicide always brings me back to that. Plus, a day doesn’t pass where I don’t think about it…it is ingrained and automatic…shut the amgdyla off)
Anyway, good luck here. You have a powerful, inspirational story to tell. It will help others.
Hi CC–thank you so much for your thoughtful comment and for sharing your story with all of us. I know very well how you have felt at various times of your life–because I have been right there. It’s so hard to describe to someone who doesn’t know what it is like how utterly hopeless things once were.
Your early days were full of pain, much like my own–but we now have the opportunity to pass along a story of hope to others that may need inspiration. I know you feel drawn to this path as well. Your stories are so heartbreakingly familiar with me–I truly do feel a kinship with you. We both belong to a club in which no one would ever want to join.
The really good news is that even though I felt that way throughout my life (much like you–and in fact, in my book I talk about how I always viewed suicide as the ‘ace in the hole’ if things got too rough), I also know now that life can be so wonderful. I find it hard to even believe that at one point, suicide seemed to be the best answer–because my life is wonderful today. Sure, I have struggles, as do all of us, but for the most part, I truly do view life as a gift–and I view my second chance as the most special gift of all. I know that if I can get through the darkness, anyone can.
Take care–and thanks for saying hello. I so look forward to reading all of your posts as well. I am a bit drowning with my work right now–and when I can pause for air, I plan on exploring all the site and reading more of the rest of the guest writers on GSTF.
Melinda
Melinda,
Thanks. Don’t forget to breathe!!
CC
Ere youz lot!
Av youz eard!?!
That bloomin Madonna and that film director bloke wot she married are splittin up!!!! She’s packed im she as!!!!
It’s true it is!!!!
Well seems like that Fabio Caprisonne, youz knows, that French bloke, the manager ov the England footy team as like banned all WAGs from the squad! An Madge as ad to get rid ov that good for nuthink other alf ov ers as a consequence see.
Plus he ain’t not never earnt much anyways see, an wot he did he used to blow on is stamp collectin obby, which really bores everyone to death like, nevr shuts up bout them blimmin stamps like, used to be right off-puttin for the England squad when Madge was takin a penalty an all youz could like ear was im goin on bout is Penny Blacks an that. No wonder that Fabio got rid ov im!
Just ope he doesn’t make me get rid ov my David, but then he’s a WAP not a WAG int he, so reckons he’ll be alright then I do!
OMG, another inspiration to add to my life..thank you for sharing your life experience..you have a great blog!
Thank you Sarah–I appreciate your comment.
Melinda
yay, high five for Melinda..
Hi there!
I tried to read about Tim and Freedom House, but the link didn’t work - maybe you could drop it in the comments? Congratulations on your successes, and most of all for sharing with others. I’m sure your know a story like yours doesn’t come along very often.
It’s wonderful that you are passing on your gift, and thank you for sharing.
Kathleen,
Sorry about that! Not sure what happened there. The link to that particular story is http://blog.melindaville.com/2008/09/11/courage-to-change.aspx
Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate your thoughtful comment very much.
Melinda
Kathleen–sorry about that. Here is the link: http://blog.melindaville.com/2008/09/11/courage-to-change.aspx
Melinda
Hi Melinda - a compelling way to open your account here in the garden - WOW!
So much to share and how did you end up as Prof of Psychology - how did you know that was your path?
**Point of order by the way - Kathleen & Melinda you need your Avatar badges loading up!! Just click on the Gravatar link in the top right column of this main blog
@Jim–you know, as long as I can remember, I have always been interested in why people do the things they do! Even when I was a junkie, I would talk to dealers in the projects and try to find out why they started a life of crime (LOL!). Sometimes they would look at me just incredulously and as though to say, “Bitch–you CARAZY!”
When I started college at Montana State, I was drawn to psychology–I wanted to understand myself and I also wanted to understand my screwed up family and sick father. I wanted to figure out how I had gotten where I was–because I thought if I could figure that out, then it could help me change–and it did.
I kept going to school because I didn’t know what else to do! And I knew that an undergraduate (only) degree in psych would probably not allow many opportunities. I knew I needed to go to grad school.
Melinda
Thanks for the background and lol on the ‘Bitch - you CARAZY’
We spend our entire lives learning how to die and eventually get it right
Melinda,
Best of luck with your foundation - it sounds like an extremely worthwhile initiative.
I am very glad to hear that you were able to come through from the depths of dispair and successfully turn your life around. Your story and experiences will no doubt be an inspiration to many.
Thankl you, Andrew–I really appreciate your thoughtful comment. I am very excited about the foundation–I know it will do a lot of good.
Melinda
Hiya Melinda, powerful posting. I’ve already read some of your blog ofcourse, but this piece is very inspiring. The tone in your writing comes over as strong and unstoppable. I know from my own experiences that ofcourse, that’s not always the case but I do hope you’re very proud of yourself and what you’ve achieved.
And CC - cripes my dear! Thanks for sharing so openly. Although not in the same leauge, I can relate to parents who choose to look the other way. Mine weren’t the cause of what I went through, but they certainly provided no emotional support when I needed it most.
I’ve said it before about CC, but it applies to you too Melinda - its truly a miracle you’re alive!
Jim - Its fantastic to have so many wonderful writers at this blog.
Svasti ~ thanks! Obviously, it helped that I knew her first and developed a connection; otherwise, I would have never shared that now.
CC
Svasti–so nice to see you here as well! Thank you again for your thoughtful comments. My mother says this all the time to me, “Melinda, you are a whole bunch of miracles.” It truly is amazing that I’m alive (and when you read my book you will see just how lucky I truly am–as I came very close to death on five different occasions in my life).
GDay Melinda
What a story… WOW
Truly commendable that you came out the otherside at all…
Welcome to flowers and dont be a stanger..
Looking forward to reading more of your posts…
A/C–I am very much looking forward to getting to know everyone here.
Melinda
Hi Melinda
Ditto A/C’s comment really - can’t think of another way of putting it better except glad you’re still here to tell us the story, and long may that continue.
Having lead such a ‘normal’ i.e sheltered life where a wild night out was a pint and a game of pool at a pub in the next village and fear of doing any wrongdoing as your parents would find out before you got home etc, I’ve never had the inclination to do drugs or ‘got’ why people did them - I mean I wouldn’t know how to even get hold of them in the first place.
So that’s me in my little world but the more i read , the more i think i wouldn’t have swapped it for the world. I do think I’ve got the kind of moral fibre to get through such an event and come out the other end if tested, a better person.
So much courage, pain and despair - it’s a miracle anyone survives it really.
You take care now.
Well, Purple 13–I would say you are very lucky you never did drugs (besides, I did enough for both of us
) I would swap my hard life for a more normal one in a second. In fact, I often wonder what type of person I might have become if I hadn’t been sexually abused as a child. I was abused by my father from the time I can remember until I was about 14 years old. That set up a perfect storm for me to take over his abuse with my own by stabbing myself with needles for nearly ten years.
Thank you for your lovely comments.
Melinda
Why Purple 13, I just do not believe that you have lead such a ‘normal’ life
Surely your life goes just a little bit beyond the purely mundane?
I think the maddest thing I ever did was jump in a swimming pool fully dressed at a very late party in the village one year.
One big long riot of a life i’m afraid.
Still at least when i’m asked to write my memoirs, i won’t be causing to much damage to the environment by using up all that paper.. lol
Welcome Melinda - a truly touching first post.
What a story.
I have just spent last weekend on a course in London called awakened wisdom and the person leading the course had a similar experience to yours where drugs were concerned. Part of the discussion was about each of us (or our souls, depending on your belief) have to have a ‘dark night of the soul’ before we can truly move forward on our path. Sounds like you have had a few of them!
Thanks for sharing and look forward to many more posts.
What a great way to put it Emma. When I returned to Montana after having been in treatment for nearly six months, I met a Native American medicine man who I became very close with. He became somewhat of a spiritual guru to me. He told me once, “Religion is for people who want to get into heaven–and spirituality is for those who have been to hell.” I think there is some truth to that.
Melinda
Hmmmmmmmmmm.
I love that Melinda. What a great way to put it.
The more people I meet, the more I become fascinated by the Native American teachings. It seems that many people who cross my path at the moment have some link to the Native teachings! I am now considering going on a visioning quest.
Are you still in contact with your spiritual guru? I would love to know more.
@Emma–I cannot even begin to tell you how much I learned and grew from my friendships with Shamans and Medicine Men and Women of some Northwest Native American tribes (particularly the Lakota and Crow tribes). On my quest for spirtiual enlightenment, they spoke to my heart most closely–their beliefs made the most sense to me. A big part of my own spiritual path integrates their teachings.
I am still in touch with Jim–although he does not use the Internet so I mostly see him when I visit Montana. Every time I return to Montana, I am invited for to the lodge for a Native American Sweat (what an amazing experience that is).
Melinda
I love the mysticism of the native americans- I also love that they are so in touch with the earth and untouched by capitalism and exist on a higher spiritual plain than we, mere mortals.
Except obviously when it comes to profiting from gambling and the vices it brings. And selling their land off to the highest bidder. Obviously.
Every group, race, population or ethnic background has different types of people. It seems that you are generalizing quite a bit here, UP. The people I knew in my early recovery in Montana were very spiritual–and there were no Indian Casinos anywhere near where I lived. Honestly, I try hard to avoid sweeping generalizations because they generally are so inaccurate.
Also, FWIW–I would FAR prefer the Native Americans benefit from casinos than the likes of a-holes such as Donald Trump. I learned a great deal about the terrible history of the Native Americans and how they suffered at the hands of the white people who treated them so inhumanely. If anyone is to benefit from gambling, it should be these people–at least they are not hopelessly living on barren reservations, barely scraping by.
Welcome in Melinda - good to have you on board here - sounds like quite a life you’ve had - you sound well placed to provide bucket loads of inspiration. Looking forward to your posts.
Thanks, Mike–I am definitely looking forward to sharing more of my story here on GSTF! It’s a great site.
Melinda
WOW!
*standing ovation*
I think I Love You!
Thank you BCG! Wow–I am honored
A Standing O! Ha ha ha.
Welcome to the Garden Melinda. Excellent first post as well. Looking forward to reading more of your chronicles. Glad I’n not the only recovering addict in the garden anymore
People need to know that there is life…a wonderful free life after addiction, keep on spreading the hope!
Thank you so much MM–I appreciate your well wishes. Also, huge congratulations on your own recovery. I am happy you are also vocal about it–because not enough people are. So many believe that addicts can never change and our vocal presence is a great way to raise awareness that anyone is capable of change, given the right resources.
Very good posts melinda and very interesting. Read your blog and its a cracking cracking read- welcome!!
A question if I may- if you could recommend either smack or charlie to anyone- ie a first time user which would you recommend and why?
Also when you were turning tricks did you escort anyone famous?
Oh Urban. Your edge is so amazing, sharp and clear.
It’s that serrated side that gets me every time.
Thank you for the welcome, UP.
As to your 1st question–if you have even read my introduction or any of my blog, I think you will know that I am very committed to stopping self-destructive habits in people rather than encouraging them.
As to your second question, some of my former clients were very well known; however, I don’t believe it is important to my story to hurt people by ‘outing them’ in such a manner. I have thought seriously through this and I think I am not going to go the “Enquirer” way by resorting to cheap sensationalism. I am also changing the names of certain people in my book–my goal is to not hurt anyone or their reputation but to tell my story as honestly as I can to try to raise awareness for my cause and my foundation.
thanks BCG
but just remember while you are taking time to chastise me you should be stopping your daughter getting high/ thieving etc etc?
and it was a serious question. it may not fit in with your line of questioning but just because its not appealing to you doesn’t make it any less valid.
I wasn’t chastizing you UP — I was complimenting you on your incredibly vicious wit, and since you said “thanks” — you’re welcome.
Nice recovery with that pathetic “it was a serious question” bullshit — right after your passive aggressive jab at my daughter who is also going through hell.
You make me heart sick and angry. The fact that you’re allowed to ramble on with your vitriolic line of thought in this really decent place makes me sick.
C’mon Urban - give the lady a break.
She’s obviously been through a lot - would have finished most of us off completely i suspect including you and me, however ‘brave’ we might think we’d be.
Full credit that she’s come out the other side and now actively helping others.
What I don’t get is why so many people still turn to drugs when there’s so much press now about how bad they are etc. and so many ways to help people these days - great support there perhaps wasn’t earlier?
As I’ve said earlier - i’ve never done drugs (is that the right terminology?) apart from a doctors prescribed pain killer for migraine so I guess i’m lucky. Pity others are not so don’t you think?
Guilt and knowing that they are bad for you doesn’t stop an addiction if you are looking for an escape. And, for some drugs all it takes is one time. In terms of helping others in the U.S., there are not as many good resources as you think. There are if you have money. Care and empathy are better than pity, but your sentiment is appreciated. I know Melinda will write more about how complicated this whole issue of addiction is because unless you’ve been throught it you really have know idea what it is like and how badly you can watch addiction ruin your whole like and know it is happening. I am in awe of people who are able to stay drug and alcohol free after being addicted especially from heroin. Both Melinda and MM are very inspirational because of it. I for one am in support of the Melindaville Foundation…it is a good cause.
Sounds like you will be learning more around her Jonathan…me too!
Welcome to the garden Melinda. That’s some amazing story and the fact that you are now helping others and setting up a foundation is just wonderful. I’m looking forward to learning more about you through the garden